Sometimes, I find it so hard to blog-- not because I don't have the time, and not because I don't feel like writing, but because I find it hard to be alone with my thoughts. Thoughts can be a scary thing, if you let them. I try not to think. Silly, right? How can you just not think? But, I will do almost anything humanly possible to distract myself from the thoughts that so often cloud my mind. Even right now, I'm trying to find something to preoccupy myself with. I scare myself. I really scare myself. One day, I feel like all these thoughts will just rush into me and all of these emotions that I try to supress will just come flooding out and I'll do something drastic. I often feel pangs of 'why live anymore?', and these feelings, that I never want to feel, ambush me. I yell at myself, punch myself, think of something quick to take my mind off of these thoughts that I can't control. I feel anxious --my chest hurts, I can't breathe. The thought of 'will I die?' runs through my head. Never ending. And yet, that's the very thing I'm most scared of, but somehow, want the most.
Death is too complicated of a subject to be able to fathom. I often stare into space and think of death. It's not death that scares me; just the uncertainty. And that's what it is about life that scares me, too-- the uncertainty.
I want things to make sense. I want to make sense. But, my thoughts, oh, they rarely make sense.
I don't know what I'm even trying to say. I must sleep. Good night.
